03Apr
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Vampires seem like the hot thing these days, but there is something that today’s vampire fanatics don’t know: they are annoying the rest of the world! What follows are just a few of the ways that the vampire obsession is particularly annoying.

These Vampires Don’t Follow The Rules That Make Vampires, Vampires

Let’s get one thing straight: vampires don’t sparkle in the sunlight, they spontaneously combust into a pile of ash. Or at the very least, get some crazy burns. They also aren’t supposed to be able to enter a home without being invited in first. These are just a few of rules vampire lore has historically followed, yet it seems these new modern vampires don’t adhere to them and instead are simply portrayed as humans that get to stay young and pretty.

Modern Vampires Are Brooding Crybabies

It used to be that when people read books or watched movies about vampires, they expected to be scared or at the very least, see some action. However, it appears like the vampires seen in media today just hang out with humans and like no one understands their deep angst. Suddenly shows about vampires have the same plot lines as the average soap opera or teen melodrama with some ads in the middle for drinks like the admittedly yummy tru blood soda.

Vampire Fanatics Don’t Seem To Realize That Being A Vampire Would Suck! (Pun Intended)

Another thing that contributes greatly to making the current vampire obsession is the fans of this new style of vampire. They don’t just like vampires, they want to be them, be loved by them and raise freaky vampire children with them. What they fail to consider is that being a vampire would get pretty boring, pretty fast because they can’t have anything to eat or drink other than blood (not even tru blood soda), they’d have to stay inside all day and they would get pretty sick of their new vampire lover as the centuries crawled by without any other lasting friendships.

Vampires Don’t Love People, Vampires Eat People

This cannot be stressed enough: vampires are supposed to eat people. Some books or certain film franchises might try to gloss over this fact to hold on to their only plotline, but even then they have to include some kind of specification that usually involves dramatic and constant suppression of the vampire’s base instincts to justify it. If vampires were real, the whole time their ‘super special human love’ was sitting next to them drinking a tru blood soda, the vampire would be looking at them as if they were a cheeseburger.

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