Most of those within the Star Wars universe, with the exception of the Jedi, are not exactly shining examples of education. This is the universe where Jar Jar Binks, perhaps completely insane by our standards, is considered a little bit autistic or maybe just anxiety-riddled. Indeed, education is something that appears to be a much needed commodity in Star Wars, especially for the Rebels. So, without further ado, here are seven online classes for updating a career when working for the Empire or fighting with the rebels.
1. Taun Taun Anatomy and Physiology. Say what you will about this being a useless degree, but keep in mind Luke’s intricate firsthand knowledge of the internal workings of Taun Taun guts. Han Solo’s commendable expertise in identifying Hoth’s workhorse via smell, inside and out, helped our Jedi hero avoid a frigid grave.
2. Intro to One-Liners. This is a communications course that you must master if you hope to become a successful smuggler like Han Solo. One witty quip can mean the difference between a prison sentence and freedom. But it’s not just for smugglers. Even Princess Leia manages to agitate her Imperial captors when she comments on Grand Moff Tarkin’s stench. However, her insult backfires slightly when the Empire destroys her home planet.
3. Wookie Grooming 101. Some could argue that an entire major could be formed out of the intricacies involved in keeping these “walking carpets” properly groomed, but just the basic course would suffice. Don’t think keeping a Wookie groomed is important? Well then I hope you don’t like getting your arms ripped off.
4. Marksmanship for the Blind: A Prerequisite for Shooting Straight While Covered in Bees. This is a specialized course for the majority of the Stormtroopers in the Star Wars universe. Many try to blame the inability of the Stormtroopers to hit, well, anything on the guns themselves, but there’s really no excuse for most of their failures other than shoddy aim. Imagine how the Star Wars movies would’ve turned out if the Stormtroopers could actually hit their targets. Now imagine how they did turn out.
5. Cantina Music Composition 101. Dadadada danana Dananana nanana naaaaa na. That’s it. That’s the class. At least there wouldn’t be much studying for the final.
6. Plot Holes and How to Avoid Them. What happened to R2D2’s rocket launcher seen in Episode II? Why didn’t the Star Destroyer just blow up the escape pod at the beginning of Episode VI, even though there were “no life forms on board”? Sure, this course is a bit meta, but at least no one would have to worry about glorious retellings of their story not making sense.
7. Death Star Architecture. The only thing worse than making a stupid mistake is making a stupid mistake twice. This is a class that all Imperial denizens should consider. Granted, they attempted to change up the design in Episode VI, but it still didn’t work. This class would delve into more environmentally friendly and safer ways to vent excess heat, as well as proper procedures for keeping your giant Death Star laser clean and happy.
May the online course be with you.