18Sep
4

Being a Hollywood exec has got to be easy, no? Everything from my childhood is being “re-booted” nowadays; Spiderman, Ninja Turtles, Knight Rider… The list goes on and on. From the small screen, to the silver screen, Hollywood tends to regurgitate more than Kate Moss in the mid 90′s.  I need to get me a job in them there hills.

In no particular order, here are 5 stand outs from my childhood I’d like to see puked up again:

1. Ghostwriter

Old School:

Theres a ghost. That wrties. Actually he pulls letters from his surroundings to make sentences. A group of kids that resemble a United Colours of Benneton ad are able to communicate with him and they have kick ass markers that hang from lanyards around their necks. GW uses his bad-ass phonetic skillz to help the gang solve mysteries. They also hang out at a bodega (say it with me now; “bo-de-ga”) and occasionally film rap videos.

New School:

Ghostwriter meets Dangerous Minds. Gabriella is knocked up by Jamal; Alejandro is forcing Lenny to turn tricks on the side, and Ghostwriter brings them together to solve such mysteries as “Who’s the baby daddy?” and “Will Hector get his G.E.D?”. There is probably a role for Nick Cannon in there somewhere. Err – Scratch that…

2. Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego?

Old School:

PBS does it again – A geography/mystery game show hosted by that lady from Law & Order. Contestants used clues to find that sticky fingered filcher (not felcher) Carmen San Diego. Athsmatic kids need not apply for the final round.  (Sorry, Tubby)

New School:

Hand this bad boy over to Bruckheimer and Disney and let them run wild. Even if it turns out shitty, it’ll make an ass load of cash. They’d probably throw Shia Of The Beef in that bitch and watch the dollar signs roll in. I’m talking “National Security” money. Sure, I’d be a sellout, but Daddy’s gotta eat.

3. Today’s Special

Old School:

I don’t even know if this aired in the States, but if you grew up in the 80′s and you’re Canadian – you know the tale. A mannequin named Jeff springs to life once a magical hat gets placed atop his head. Muffy the Mouse adds inuendo that I didn’t catch until much later in life.

New School:

I’m thinking Judd Apatow-style rom-com a la Mannequin of the 80′s mixed with Knocked-Up. Only its not the 80′s, its 2010!!! Innovation, thy name is Hollywood. Maybe another Gerard Butler/Jennifer Aniston vehicle? Wait, then even I wouldnt watch it.

4. GI Joe: The Movie

Old School:

I realize its hardly an “original” choice, but come on. The most awesome collection of animated bad-assery you could get on a VHS tape. Cooooooobraaaaaaaaaaaaaa-la-la-la-la-la-la-laaaaaaaaaaaa. They couldn’t possibly fuck up a GI Joe remake, could they?

New School:

OOOOOOOOOOOOH YES THEY CAN! G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, was such a turd that I swear I saw at least one full kernel of corn and maybe a peanut. Wanna know how to re-boot G.I. Joe? It’s called “The Expendables”. Marlon Wayons?  GTFOH.

5. Out Of This World

Old School:

Young Evie is just like any other high school girl, except for one minor detail. Her pops is an alien. Boo-ya. Mama got down with his “little green man” and bingo bango, your blonde teenage daughter can stop time by E.T. finger dapping herself. Her stepdad is also the mayor of a small California Town, or something.  Hilarity ensues.

New School:

Two words: Hayden Panettiere.

Two More Words: HAYDEN PANETTIERE!!!!

Why have I never seen this picture before today?

(Honourable Mentions: Deke Wilson, Private Investigator; The Flash; M.A.S.K)

AROUND THE WEB

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