Everyone is complaining these days about the BP oil spill and reprimanding them for their slow response time and inefficient cleanup and prevention methods. In fact, people are going so far as to assume that it is in BP’s best interest to clean it up quickly in an effort to save their public image. It’s clear, however, that BP has no intention of a hasty cleanup, as this would make them look too nice. Clearly, they’ve got an evil and all-powerful corporate image to maintain. In an effort to help them out, it only seems too appropriate to propose the following methods to clean up the oil spill while still maintaining their evil corporate image…
1. Bring in slave labor
Head south to the lower Americas and you’ll surely find lots of underpaid and mistreated workers just dying for a nice vacation. And what better vacation than on a beautiful cruise through the Gulf? BP could manage to look menacing on three fronts with this one: first in their deception of already suffering workers, second in paying unfair wages in unsafe conditions, and finally in their forcing workers to capture oil-covered seagulls as their only source of food.
2. Arbitrarily blame minorities
At this point nobody would be as foolish as to believe that anyone but BP was behind the incident, which is all the more reason that this tactic would work in their favor; and the more farfetched the argument the better. Perhaps blame all Hispanics because, well, it is in the Gulf of Mexico after all. Or gays, why the hell not the gays? It’s too easy that it just might work. Eventually, everyone will be so focused on BP’s infuriating bigotry that they’ll forget about that silly little oil spill!
3. Team up with Walmart
Walmart is the Palpatine of evil corporations, and our young BP Anakin stands to gain a lot from a merger. What about an “Over 400 species at risk and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!” line? Perhaps they could fire a bunch of female employees, or at the very least demote and sexually harass them. In fact, why not just cover up the entire spill with a Walmart Supertore, promise to keep cutting prices because it’s the American thing to do and simply call it a day.
4. Commit Genocide
There has got to be a way to bring genocide into this. It’s probably too grotesque to claim that three-hundred-thousand bodies would act as a perfect containment dam, but maybe just say there are terrorists or something. In fact, become terrorists. There is nothing more badass than a multi-national terrorist corporation hell-bent on terrorizing fisheries and ecosystems.
5. Lie a lot
BP, you must lie about everything. Lie about your interests and intentions, your practices prior to the spill, the amount of oil spilling, the efficiency of the cleanup and…oh…wait…nevermind…looks like you got the memo.
And there you have it, BP. Now please, I’m getting sick of hearing about this measly little oil spill. If you want to play with the big boys, I’d suggest next time you pull this sort of stunt, you kill at least a few hundred underprivileged orphans or something.
Bonus evil corporate points: If Michael Moore makes a documentary about you.